'I suppose I’m the kind of queen who likes to make a scene, which makes me the exact opposite of my mum.'

'I almost wept at a friend’s civil partnership the other week, so I don’t see why ours should be any different.'

'Very little in our own culture celebrates our hearts and minds as much as it glorifies our cocks and asses'

'For me, pop songs have always been just as important as books'

'It was all Tommy’s idea…Tommy had read my latest novel on holiday and really enjoyed it.'

'As Noel Coward said of TV: ‘Television is not a thing to watch. It is a thing to be on’. Right or wrong, that’s me and radio.'

'The ’70s certainly had their queer moments. But they were nothing compared to the early ’80s…'

'He eyeballed me for a moment. 'You're just picking on me cos I'm black', he said finally…'

'I can confirm that gay men use the gym for all sorts of reasons…'

'Like much in the world of advertising, the idea that we all run around like Elton John is a bit of a myth…'

'Speaking as someone who once wrote a novel called ‘Shameless’, I have sometimes been accused of lacking integrity…'

'Where on earth did McGovern come up with the idea that black lesbians were seen as sexy?…'

'Over the course of time, I’ve learned a few things about MySpace and the people who live there…'

'Modern gay men have reduced sex to the same level as shopping - something you pop out for after work or during your lunch hour.'

'As we welcome our continental cousins to London for EuroPride, it’s worth sparing a thought for those who still don’t know what it means to be gay, free and happy…'

'she’s a member of the Catholic cult Opus Dei. I mean, honestly! It’s not as she did anything serious, like confessing to a drink problem or having an affair with a rent boy…'

'The two-seater plane was even smaller than I’d expected. Now it wasn’t just my vertigo I had to worry about, it was my claustrophobia too…'

'If he is a rebel, he’s a rebel without a cause, unless of course the right to dance with your top off and take vast quantities of drugs is still considered a cause.'

'A moment’s silence, please, as we mark the passing of one of the true stars of the ’80s…'

'Poor Robbie Williams. Not only does he have no soul. He also appears to be condemned to a life of unhappiness…'

'I’ve never much cared for the term ‘partner’. It’s fine when said by a cowboy or applied to a firm of accountants. But whenever I hear the word ‘partner’ applied to gay relationships…'

'How quickly we forget. With all the advances we’ve seen over the past decade, you could be forgiven for thinking that homophobia was a thing of the past…'

'It had to happen sometime, I suppose. Anything that starts in gay America , we Brits are bound to catch onto eventually…So it was with the Gay and Lesbian Awards…'

'My age, in case you’re wondering, is 40. As of this month, I have reached that time in life when, by rights, I should be crying into my beer or planning my own funeral…'

'It’s a good job I don’t live in Bromley. If I did, I may be tempted to stop paying my council tax…'

'My mother made me a homosexual. At least that’s what some people would have me believe…'

'Taking to the streets in protest over anti-gay laws is one thing. But do we really need to keep telling everyone how proud we are, month in, month out?'

'No straight men were harmed during the writing of this column'

'Boy George threatened to slap my face once. It was at the launch party for ‘Attitude’ magazine. I’d recently interviewed him for a rival gay publication, and finding him one of the rudest people I’d ever met, I wrote that maybe he wasn’t quite the cuddly pop star he made out.'

'Here in Britain, reality TV is what you might call an equal opportunities employer. Male or female, gay or straight, posh bird or Portugeezer, everyone is equally welcome to parade their neuroses in public and degrade themselves in the name of cheap entertainment.'

'I never thought I’d hear myself say this, but lately I’ve been sympathising with some of the views expressed in the pages of ‘The Daily Mail’…'

'Those with a bit of money might invest in property, or dabble in stocks and shares. Whether the investment is emotional or financial, the impulse is much the same. People who invest are looking to make a good return.'

'If you are big enough to say it, be big enough to take it. Don’t be surprised if people say, “I am going to hit you where it hurts: in the pocket”. Being gay is like being left-handed. It is not an abomination’.'

'I doubt very much if anyone is going to be seriously shocked by Madonna’s latest stage antics. We’ve already seen her flashing her tits, trussed up in bondage gear, masturbating to the tune of ‘Like A Virgin’ and snogging Britney Spears'

'They say that pride becomes before a fall, but who could have predicted that Gay Pride would have fallen so low?'

'…listen very carefully to what I’m about to say. In London, image is everything. Imagine you've just stepped off the train and you're here for the weekend. You've got 48 hours to make an impression, and the competition is fierce'…

'This is the approach favoured by the New Gay Party. We’ve taken all the really fun things about being gay - the clothes, the music, the trips to Ikea - and made them the focus of our campaign. Sadly, this has meant that some other, equally important issues have had to take a back seat'…

I wouldn't mind so much, but all sorts of people seem to be awarded vast sums of money for all kinds of things these days. You can make a few thousand just by answering a series of ridiculously easy questions on 'Richard and Judy'…

'I am referring, of course, to the wonderful world of the 21st century urban male homosexual, a thriving gay economy in which no penis is knowingly ignored, no asshole left unexplored and no opportunity for a sexual frission passed up without a long, hard look at the goods on offer.'

'There’s something about Valentine’s Day that really sticks in my throat. And no, it’s nothing to do with the kind of novelty gifts you can buy in Clone Zone…'

'When I was a kid, one decent present, a selection box and an old sock stuffed with fruit, nuts and the odd novelty gift was generally considered proper recompense for the indignity of being kissed under the mistletoe by ageing relatives…'

'Once upon a time, gay shops only sold 'wank mags' and sex toys. Now they stock everything from dildos to coffee mugs. And while the use of one may put you in touch with your inner self and enable you to explore your identity as a gay man, the use of the other won't - even if it does have a rainbow flag painted on the side…'

'We produced great writers, gifted artists, and talented musicians. These days we're lucky if we can round up enough 'performance artists' to fill the programme for this year's sorry excuse for a Pride Arts Festival. Where once we had the wit and wisdom of Oscar Wilde, now we have the huff and puff of Graham Norton. The mainstreaming of gay culture has reduced everything to its lowest common denominator…'

'For years I told myself that 'retiring' was simply a quaint but extremely desirable quality men far older and far straighter than me used to look for in a woman. Then last week a nice lady from my bank rang to ask me what provision if any I'd made for my retirement.'

'We've all heard it said that an Englishman's home is his castle. In my experience, an English queen's home is his fortress, boudoir and personal gay porn set all rag-rolled into one. With so much invested in one property, the stress levels could easily go through the roof.'

'Plastic is where it's at. This is hardly surprising, since plastic is so useful. You can use your credit card to provide proof of your identity. You can use it to clock up free air miles, or to chop a line of coke. You can even use it to buy stuff.'

'Shopping and fucking - these are the two things we like best. We even have our own shops, crammed with essential items like dildos and porn, so we can combine the two activities and go shopping for things that make fucking even more fun.'

'Can't pay your credit card bill. No pension scheme to speak of. Living on sad pasta. But still able to find £100 to blow on drugs at the weekend. Welcome to the wonderful world of homo economics!'